what would you do with 170 days?

Apr 8, 2017

I write to you this week with another one of my amazingly brilliant plans to solve yet another problem that is facing humanity.

This week - Children.

I think it’s safe to assume that we all hate children.

Even you parents who fill 90% of your facebook timeline with claims of how amazing Jemima did in colouring in class or how Barnabas is in the top 3 percentile of his age range for chewing with his mouth closed, or whatever it is that you lot proclaim to be your child's natural achievement.

To be honest, i skim over those posts and pay about as much attention to them as you do to the parade of skin deep comments of “congratulations” and “aaw what a cutie” from the other facebook mums and dads who only click the LIKE button in order to induce social pressures upon yourself to reciprocate the platitude.

But in reality I know fully well that you hate your kids.

I know that you scream at them for not tidying the rooms, or not eating their veggies or getting dirty and loosing bits of their PE kit at school… you know, ALL the same things you used to do (and in some comparable cases, probably still do but you don’t tell your parents and therefore don’t into trouble anymore - you damned hypocrites).

The only reason you would harrass your children for the exact same things you know you did wrong is that you don’t like them.

If, however, you are the type of parent who never tells their little precious angels off for being naughty - you are worse than the mental image of Harold Shipman bumming a puppy until it dies of AIDS (yes, that image is now in your brain and will stay there all night!)

Parents who don’t bollock their kids are evil and should be shot. No excuses.

Anyway, kids right?

Stuff them.

There was recently a news story about a parent who didn’t want to pay a fine his kids school imposed upon him for taking the fruit of his loins on holiday during term time.

If you are a parent, I’m sure you will think it is an outrage and the schools should not have the right to dictate your family holidays.

And there I would agree with you.

Kids will not miss out on much if they are not in school for two weeks.

The thing is, kids have always had too much time off school.

The school year is only 195 days which leaves the best part of 4080 minutes of every year where children are allowed to run ferral.

That is 4080 too many in my opinion.

170 days of free time is too much.

Its sends out the wrong message to the next generation that will one day be our cleaners, traffic wardens, sex workers and school teacher (oh the circle of life)…. To name but a few jobs that robots will not be able to take over.

Not to mention the time, effort and cost it takes for you parents of try and find a babysitter during the school holidays that is not going to kill/interfere with or sell you child into slavery.

This is where my top bollocks plan of action comes into effect.

I propose that the school year be increased to cover every working day of the year with bank holidays and Christmas to new year off… just like most other occupations.

This would allow kids to become used to the grown up world of the working week whilst making sure that more education can be passed onto little Jemima and Barnabas all the while allowing Mum and/or Dad to stay in work earning money instead of wasting it on Sex pest kiddie fiddler childminders.

This would mean that every single parent would be able to take advantage of going on holiday outside of the high seasons when prices are bumped up to accommodate children's holidays as well as ensuring that no child will ever miss out on learning in the long run.

Teachers will be able to earn more as they will be in work longer so there will be no more need to go on strike.

Extra teachers can be sourced from the newly created mass market of unemployed childminders so teachers can’t claim to be over worked etc….

The rest of us can simply enjoy the summer months without fear of germ ridden bags on noise ruining the long hot days of summer (currently slated to be somewhere between July 8th and July 10th)

Just think how much more kids could learn in those 170 days.

Real things like how to talk without beginning every sentence with the words “like” or “Right….”

They could be taught how to apply for jobs, How to live without Wi-Fi,  how to save money for the future and even how to stop the inevitable rise of our robotic overlords.

Kids are our future and they deserve to be a bloody miserable as the rest of us.

And with that, I submit this proposal to the house.