the great kitkat conspiracy

I have spent the past two weeks trying to figure out just where everything went wrong.

Once upon a time, everything was just fine and dandy.

The sun shone, we all had change in our pockets and space raider crisps were still 1p a bag (they’re now 20p).

Today I am ready to announce the exact moment when it all went to shit.

JUNE 2001.

That is when the world went potty.

And it was all down to one single event that changed the world for the worse.

As a child I have fond memories of jumping on my BMX and peddling like a crazy madman to the local corner shop to do my bit for the British economy and buy as many sweeties as my £2 pocket money would allow.

Amongst my horde of sugary treasures were, refreshers, dib-dabs and a curly wurly.

But King of all confectionary was the mighty Kitkat.

That fabulous four fingered fancy was a treat like no other.

The creamy chocolate covering layer upon layer of crisp wafer was four times better than any other treat.

But beyond the enjoyment of actually eating this treat was the untold joy of unwrapping.

A cursory glance around to ensure privacy was enacted before any attempt to slip of that bright red paper cover.

Red is, of course, the colour of DANGER and a shiver of naughty glee shuddered down my spine as I scrunched it up and threw it in the nearest bin.

I may have been overly excited by a chocolate treat but I always made sure I kept Britain tidy.

I was left with a smooth silver rectangle.

I used my thumb to caress the top of the bar and was rewarded with the universally recognisable symbol of the KitKat.

A teaser of what lay beneath the foil was enough to make my hands tremor slightly.

A well manicured thumbnail (kept just long enough for this single purpose alone) perforated the foil between two of the fingers of fun and slowly slid along the length of my well earned confectionary.

I peeled back the foil very carefully, ensuring I kept the smoothness of the silver wrapper intact, then AND ONLY THEN would I allow myself to snap the chocolate finger in half with a satisfying crack and devour the whole damned thing in about three gobs.

It was never the taste or texture of a Kitkat that I enjoyed the most, but rather the selfish act of that red paper and the silver foil that made the whole experience worthwhile.

I wasn’t alone either.

Ask anyone of a certain age and each person who ate a Kitkat will tell a different story of what they did with the silver foil after the chocolate had been eaten.

Some rolled it into a ball.

Others would fold it flat into little shapes or twists. Creating a polygenic effect without even realising their own genius.

Since June 2001 though, nobody has been able to do this as Nestle got rid of the foil wrapper and now Kitkats are just another shit bit naff chocolate covering some wafer.

It like a Lion bar but with a bit more self respect.

Nobody has that simple, yet effective, opportunity to calm themselves and take just a moment to let life, and all the trials and troubles that surround them, dissapear and have a little "me" time.

This has led to many millions of people across the world becoming more and more angry.

Anger leads to conflict, which in turn leads to war and greed and hate.

This may not be the only reason for shit hitting the fan over the last 17 years but look at the world we live in now, since the the events of June 2001, but it hasn't helped either.

Wars, Global warming, Trump in the white house, Brexit…. The list goes on and on.

I’m not saying Kitkats are the sole item responsible, but the fact that it took only a few months for word to get around before the war on terror really took off, well, it CAN’T be just a coincidence can it?