supermarket psycho

As humanity continues its downward spiral with it’s inward thinking and insular hatred towards each other I return with another of my amazing plans to drag you lot out of the self created pot of bile you all fest in like pigs.

There seems to be more stress than any individual can handle.

We are all in a hurry and can’t get to where we want to be fast enough.

Everybody wants more for less and they want it before the even know they need or want it.

Where does this desire come from?

We all lead different lives.

Some of us work from home, others travel miles to a cold office block in smog filled cities.

There are even those who do not have a job for various reasons.

But as adults, there is one thing that we all connects us all.

Shopping.

I have come to the conclusion that supermarkets are the one single location that is causing the most stress in each of our lives.

You may be one of those people who use online delivery shopping and if you do I hope you tip your driver properly. If not I hope you stub your toe.

But for the rest of us, the majority, we have to suffer the never ending nonsense that is The Supermarket.

There is nothing super about these giant shops.

A massive warehouse full of tins of beans and green bananas and terrible DVDs (I recently saw a dvd called Grannys of the Dead on sale for £3…. And YES I will probably buy it next time i pop in) these black holes of doom are horror show of storage and are a magnet for idiots.

You know the score.

You want to pick up some carrots as part of your big weekly shop, but there in front of the carrots, blocking you at every angle is a little old man who is seemingly bamboozled by the array of fruit and veg on offer.

You move to the peppers on the other aisle but right there - RIGHT THERE in front of the peppers is an elderly lady who has stopped in front of the peppers to rummage through her bag to find a thing…. Nobody knows what this thing is, but it is somewhere very deep inside her over sized bottomless bag.

You decide to leave the veg stuff to the end and change your pre-designed route through the store and head towards the bread at the back of the shop.

As you weave in and out of mouth breathing idiots none of who could compete with a multi-pack of low fat greek yogurt in a pub quiz, you arrive at the bread aisle only to find a horde of pensioners squeezing and mauling each and every loaf.

And that’s when it hits you.

The whole shop is full of the elderly.

Every single part of the shop has been taken over by the almost dead.

They slow down the rate of movement by a factor of 10 in shops.

They only ever buy packets of dates, figs and kilo bags of self raising flour.

Little known fact - these items can be bought on ANY GIVEN DAY OF THE WEEK!

There is no reason for pensioners to visit the supermarket on a saturday.

NONE.

All they do is take up space and slow everybody up.

If the doddering old dears went on a thursday or Monday or even a Tuesday they could spend as much time as they wished talking to the cashier about how expensive cat food is and recount all the reasons why farthings should make a comeback and how, even though nobody asked, computers are too complicated.

But instead they chose Saturday.

The one of two days the vast majority of working people have to sort their lives out.

A 48 hour period that most people use to socialise, sleep, repair relationships and/or bathroom taps is severely hindered by tiny little old people leaving their trolleys at 90 degree angles, causing traffic jams in shops.

The same argument can be made about people with children.

Those little snot bags run around screaming and crying and making a scene at the exact time and location that I NEED to get some cheese.

Why don’t they go shopping after they have picked up their brats from school and get the whole thing out of the way?

It would make life a lot easier for everyone if mums and dads and grannys and pop-pops left the weekend to those of us who can still touch our toes and don’t stink of urine.

By using the shops at any other time than the weekend, the rest of us would more space and time to get through our chores and get home in a more Zen like manner.

There would be less stress and rage , fewer accidents on the roads, almost zero road rage incidents and an awful lot more happiness and kindness from everybody.

People would be more willing to stop and talk to that guy doing survey on the corner who would in turn be able to use their statistics to create a better way to help the homeless or eradicate spots or find a better use for dog poo.

But until the elderly stop being selfish and take Saturdays off, we will forever be stuck in this painful world of hate and loathing and bitterness.