Talking to people - how to make it stop

A large part of my job involves talking to people and as we all know other people are complete idiots.

One such moron entered my shop the other day.

"Do you remember me?" They shouted in what can only be described as an antisocial volume.

The following answer was offered word for word.

"nope."

This response had been carefully designed to ensure that the question asker would be fully clear that they have asked a stupid question to which the only acceptable answer is one that is presented in the negative, unless it is asked by somebody with whom I am already familiar with or at the very least have met on at least one memorable occasion.

Instead, I was presented with the following:

"Well I remember you."

This is a non-descript comment that does not require any reply as far as I am concerned. Upon hearing something like this I usually pause until they have something to say that holds the a hint of possibility of them giving me money.

I usually have to wait longer than I should.

"I came here a few years ago."  Said the visitor in an apparent quest to continue this line of one sided conversation.

My reply was "That'll be why I don't remember you then." and in a charitable gesture on my behalf, I offer them a wry smile... which is more than they deserve. *

Now, you may think that I am being harsh, or rude, but I am not. Infact I am learning them good and proper.

It is important to learn people good and proper, because these dolts won't ever change in other circumstances.

This is where the Fitzsip School of Learning Them Good and Proper (FSoLTGaP) is now available to the general public who wish to do away with small talk, chit chat, pointless questions and general waffle or any other type communication that does not move things along, is helpful of offers any educational or profitability in any way shape or form.

The point of talking is to share information. This can lead to fulfilling relationships of a professional and/or personal nature to the benefit of both parties.

Talking of the weather (including but limited to the direction of wind/ chances of a chance in temperature either up OR down/ or how the atmosphere has slightly altered from its status a mere hour earlier), traffic on a road that neither party is currently on or are planning to be on in the near future, the cost of items that bare no relation to the events in current proximity or things that happend on the TV last night can ALL be avoidable conversations with the help of FSoLTGaP.

Lessons are provided over the interent, reducing the need to "make friends" with your fellow course takers, for the very reasonable price of £££'s.

Cash would be preferred, but seeing as how this would require us to meet in real life, postal orders, paypal or cheque are all acceptable methods of payment.

Your time is precious and can not be wasted on small talk with people who put the strange into stranger danger.

It is estimated (by me) that nearly 35% of any given day is wasted on small talk and chit chat, leading to millions of pounds of wasted man hours and losses to the UK economy.

Get that time back AND your sanity by signing up today.

*this conversation actually happened, the man in question had visited for one single night, three years earlier and it was my day off at the time so I had never met him before.