How to solve the nhs crisis

Feb 12, 2017

The NHS is in a right old state.

It’s a bloody mess.

£116 BILLION pounds a year (I don’t even know how many 0’s that is) is spent on leg casts, bandages and those horrible support socks.

Many people have tried to save the ever increasing expense of this essential service from cost cutting exercises, with the latest hair brained scheme to make foreign visitors pay upfront for their health needs.

Imagine that.

Welcome to our country. The UK is proud of it’s heritage and history and our polite ways of standing in line and apologising for things that are not our fault. Oh by the way, give us £500 or we won’t mend your arm that got broke when you were mugged on Oxford street.

Well, now it’s my time to step up and solve this riddle once and for all with my THREE POINT PLAN OF ACTION.

Ban idiots:

If the long running BBC comedy CASUALTY has shown us anything, it’s that the vast majority of people who use hospitals are fucking idiots.

We’re talking genuine empty headed mouth breathing buffoons who should be banned from breeding in order to save humanity from their defective genes.

The kind of fool who acts all surprised when they cut their thumb on a knife when they check to see how sharp it is, or complain when a sign that says WET PAINT covers their hand in… well, wet paint.

These morons should be banned from A&E with immediate effect.

Accidents happen, this is true, but the vast majority are due to people acting like clowns and they need to be taught a lesson.

This would save millions overnight.

2) ADVERTISE:

THink of all the potential advertising space wasted in hospitals.

I’m talking about the WRVS or the women’s institute here, I’m talking the big money. Lucozade, Rennies, COlgate and all the others…. Grape manufacturers. Those sorts.

If the NHS were willing to use plasters and plaster of paris that was branded with big name brands they could make a fortune!

Your local hospital will already sell you your own x-ray for £50 (a cost to them of £30 per xray) so why not sell on even more with advertising on your cast.

People are not as annoyed at adverts as they used to be. How many apps on your phone have adverts on?

Most of them I’ll wager, so why not have adverts on your broken arm?

Walking about with “have a BREAK have a Kit-Kat” on your shattered leg would not only be a wry conversational piece but also, you will know that YOU have repaid a small amount of your debt to the nation by selling your body cast to Nestle.

The same could be done for KFC with broken hands - FINGER LICKING GOOD!

Operation on your ladies foo-foo? Have it advertised by Subway - EAT FRESH!!

Rice Krispies can be a one stop shop with their classic SNAP CRACKLE AND POP!

THere are many more and you are more than welcome to make up your own gags on that one.

3) Make everyone pay.

There have been those who say people who have made “life choices” that increase their chances of using the NHS should pay up.

People like those who smoke or are obese.

I disagree.

People who smoke and eat loads pay tax on what they consume whereas people who talk shite can do so for free (unless we enact stage one of my plan first)

These people always seem to miss out another group of people who are a strain on society and even get PAID by the government to partake in their lifestyle choice.

Those people are called Parents.

The vast majority of pregnancies are done on purpose and result in at least one extra human on the planet.

I suggest that each and every couple who get themselves tubbed up should have to pay for all the prenatal classes, the delivery the midwife the hospital bed AND that little plastic bowl they put the baby in.

It’s no good coo-ing and aah-ing at little Jacasta or Ferrari when it has cost  to have mumy dearest shit it out of her foo foo.

Here is a breakdown of some of the costs of having a kid.

Normal delivery without complications - £1174

Cesarean section with complications - £3626

In-patient bed payment - £346-£420 per day

Booking appointment - £145

Follow on appointment - £65-£78

(Department of Health, 2010)

With nearly 700,000 births in England and Wales in 2016 - that is a lot of money that could be repaid.

And nobody pays anything back to the NHS when a baby is born. Instead they go out and buy stupid little booties that are pointless as babies grow so fast they become unusable within weeks.

SO in conclusion, Make horney people pay for their night time activities and force them to advertise curly wurlies using the stitches used to seal their guts back up!

NHS solved!

You are very welcome everybody.