An End To War

Most clever bods and left wing thinkers will take great pleasure in moaning on that war is all about is greed and money and that the only way to stop war is stop the wicked governments and smash up a McDonald’s window to show your disdain for capitalism.

 

That is rubbish.

 

The only thing that smashing windows and having a protest does is cause traffic delays and raise insurance premiums.

 

Oh, and allow the police to practice kettling routines.

 

There really isn’t a problem with war.

 

War is good for many reasons.

 

It allows great leaps in science and medicine for example.

 

The Second World War allowed for the creation of many things we take for granted today. Air travel, motorways, microwave ovens, great leaps in surgery and medicine as well. And let’s not forget all those brilliant war movies like The Eagle has landed, Shindlers List, Ghostbusters two and Apocalypse now to name but three and another one.

 

The real problem people have with war is the killing. The deaths of civilians and of soldiers. That’s the bad part and I tend to agree. But without soldiers there would be no war. So my solution to war is to stop the soldiers fighting. But how to do this...

 

It’s very simple really. All you need are three things

1, a war zone. 

2 some people fighting each other. 

3 a burger van.

 

Here’s how it works.

 

 

Wait for a couple of days of fighting (no one really gets near each other to do any serious damage in the few couple of days) until the round of rations have been eaten. Then simply parachute a couple of burger vans into “no-man’s land” and set up shop.

 

But not burgers.

 

THAT WOULDN’T WORK AT ALL. Instead start making bacon butties!

 

Nobody can resist the sweet fleshy smell of bacon butties – even vegetarians.

 

 

 

 

Put up a sign that says FREE BACON BUTTIES and watch ‘em flock in.

 

 

 

 

But Fitzsip, you damned fool, what about people who don’t eat pork like Muslims and Vegans and all that?

 

And there you have a good point were it not for the fact that I had already thought of that.

 

Simply make toast!

 

 

Thick cut, heavily butter toast is the ultimate weapon to stop anybody in their tracks. Especially if it’s cut diagonally.

 

 

For some reason toast cut into triangles tastes better.

 

 

As the soldiers for each side converge at the burger van, offer politely to take their rifles and guns away so they can take advantage of the tea and coffee on offer as well as hey presto! War over.

 

 

Piece of piss!